5 Essential Reasons Gentle Parenting Is Better Than Mainstream

Gentle Parenting:

Children yearn for the safety of a main care-giver that leads them. They are well aware of how small they are in relationship to their environment. That can be very unsettling for anyone. Dependence normally starts off with seeking the mother, but can naturally evolve to multiple family members. It can also be a daycare teachers who the child sees on a daily basis and feels safe with. 

Gentle Parenting Discipline believes that allowing children to be fully dependent on their main caregivers is important. That relationship will naturally evolve to independence when they are developmentally ready.

Mainstream Parenting:

In the meanwhile, main stream parenting believes that independence needs to be taught as soon as possible. It is often assumed that a dependent child (sometimes referred to as clingy) is signaling a larger issue that needs resolving. The fear is that children who don’t want to do things on their own, will not grow up to become independent adults.

Example of Allowing for Dependence vs Forcing Independence:

Baby and toddler sleep are a great example of how gentle parenting views on dependence varies from mainstream parenting. Gentle parents acknowledge that self soothing is a developmental milestone and can’t be forced. That is why sleep training is not practiced. The belief is that the child will sleep through the night when they are ready. Mainstream parenting believes that its the parents responsibility to teach a baby to self soothe at an early age.

“Focus on Consequences not Punishments”

Gentle Parenting:

These are Authoritative Parents and teach through guidance. They acknowledge that discipline is important, but recognize that the word means to guide, and not to punish. Authoritative parents are flexible and offer open communication between parent and child. They believe that children do not have the same capabilities for self-control as adults and therefore expectations are different. They use time-ins instead of time-outs (read more below) to stop escalating behaviors, physically stop children when necessary and refrain from yelling and absolutely no spanking.

The belief is that mainstream punishments are ineffective, and create frustrated children. Boundaries are still really important though (Submissive parenting is another style and not in line with gentle parenting ideas). Instead, they might use natural and logical consequences to help their child understand why certain actions are unwanted. 

Mainstream Parenting:

These are often Authoritarian Parents who use force and coercion to exert control. Mainstream parenting believes that children have the same capability for self control as adults but without the same rights. In order to get children to behave in the desired manner, parents use control and a factor of fear through punishments, spanking and yelling. Children might start following instructions this way but the relationship is often severed and fear is the basis for desired behavior.

Example of Authoritative vs Authoritarian Parenting :

A child continues to throw a ball against the wall after multiple requests to stop doing said activity. A gentle parent believes that when a child can’t stop doing a certain activity despite being instructed to, it means they really can’t stop. This goes back to the fact that children’s brains are underdeveloped and self control is the last part to finish growing (not until in your 20’s by the way). A gentle parent would use consequences which in this case could be physically removing the child to reset their focus onto another preferable activity.

In mainstream parenting, the parent’s irritation would escalate as the ball continues to be thrown, as they believe their child is doing it on purpose to be irritating. Often a punishment would be thrown out to try and curb the behavior, such as time-out, taking away privileges, or spanking.

Natural and Logical Consequences

The big difference here is the belief of using Natural and Logical Consequences vs Punishments. Keep in mind though that if a consequence is not Logical or Natural, it becomes a Punishment. in the above example a Natural Consequence could be that throwing the ball will wake up their little sister which means no more alone time with mommy. A Logical Consequence (more appropriate in this instance) would be that the parent physically removes the child because they can’t stop. A Punishment would be taking away screen time for the whole day because the child didn’t listen.

“Gentle Parenting Focuses on Getting to Know The Unique Needs of a Child”

Gentle Parenting:

Routines are set based on the natural rhythm of the child. Of course there are other family demands that need to be considered, but overall the child’s schedule takes into account their individual needs. During those early months a child-led routine seeks out cues from baby as to when they are hungry and tiered.

Gentle Parents are more likely to feed on demand and not worry about what is right or wrong. As the child gets older and starts having their own interests, a child-led routine encourages the child to explore their own interests.

Mainstream Parenting:

Life for a child is more prescribed by the parent who makes the major decisions. This can often be easier for parents (especially if there are multiple children in the home) as daily activities are predictable. The predictability can also help children feel safe and therefore happy. It’s good to keep in mind though, the child could get used to being told what they need, instead of seeking it out on their own.

A parent-led routine often follows a more rigid timeline prescribed by pediatricians. This can include sleep training which helps to put baby on a schedule and rigid meal times. These routines put focus on what the parents feel is best for their child and highly encourages them to seek activities that align with those values. 

Example of Child-Led Routine vs Parent-Led Routine:

Nap schedules are a good example. A child-led routine would look for cues that the little one is tiered and encourage nap time when that happens. Keep in mind that children tend to be naturally quite predictable with their wake and sleep times.

A parent-led schedule would set up the times their child should nap regardless if they’re tiered or not. This can often result in down time for a child that is not tiered and can be good. However it is a different way of looking at what the parent’s role is in their child’s upbringing. Parent-led routines gives all the control to the parent, while child-led routines allows the child some freedom based on their needs.

“Time-in is Not a Punishment”

Gentle Parenting:

Parents follow the time-in technique instead. Time-in’s are fundamentally different because they are not a tool for punishing a child. Instead, time-ins are an opportunity for the child to wind down together with a trusted adult and regain control over their emotions. The belief is that time-outs do not allow the child to properly decompress. They have no way of breaking down what happened and establish more constructive and positive habits.

As mentioned above, Gentle Parenting discipline believes that bad behavior is signaling an unmet need, so stepping away to a calmer area, allows for the adult accompanying the child to figure out what they need and move forward in a constructive way. 

Mainstream Parenting:

Time-outs are a really common type of punishment believed to curb unwanted behavior. The point of time-outs is to punish the child for acting negatively and have them think about what they did. The goal therefore is that a child would stop the unwanted behavior to avoid the time-out. Most likely, the child will continue the bad behavior, despite their parents actions. This is not because they don’t care, but because they have not been taught the tools to act differently under stress.

Example of Time-in vs Time-out:

Your toddler hits his little sibling with a toy. Example of time-in, the parent would remove the child from his sibling and sit with him to let him wind down. Depending on the age this might look different. If they are under 2 years old distracting them with another activity is enough, but if they are older the time-in is an opportunity to seek out the unmet need. Maybe he was upset that his sibling came to close to him. The parent would then discuss what he can do instead when that happens.

In the same situation mainstream parenting would use time-outs where the child is sent to his room or instructed to sit in a chair for a period of time to curb the behavior. You can see how the child has not been taught what to do instead when he gets upset which will make it tough for him when presented with other stressful situations.